n never fear

so this is it... staring at the screen and recalling this morning's phrase "i just wanted to talk with one of the few single guys i know and trust that i can talk to me without fear" (and it was an excuse)... loneliness, persistent loneliness... i haven't felt this before as far as i remember but i admit this is not the first time i feel like this, in fact, i felt like this before i started to date the first guy i dated and since then it's been like 7 years dating someone after another, illusion after illusion until i found myself standing on something true, my own being, the only one i can trust day/night/extra-time always there for me, just myself... at least now i don't have that stupid fear of being alone... the stupid insecurity of not being able to stand on my own, to fail, to fall, to make a mistake and not being able to admit it, to not be "perfect" anymore... so stupid, using a mascarade just for myself trying to lie the only one who's 24/7 with me, my own conscience...
now i know this, and at some point i wonder how i could have been so stupid for falling for such stupid guys when i knew i shouldn't have trusted them as much as i did... innocence broken
my eyes seem a little more angry, now with a little more of bitterness of life... like a song said "your eyes are torn of so much crying"... i've cried enough and i don't have to do it anymore, there are good reasons to stand up each day... and the first one for me to do it is myself... since i'm the core of what i know i think that if i want this world to get better i'd better start from myself, uh? just walking over the sick line of egocentrism and insanity... i won't fall, as far as i can find something good inside